This Person

I have to admit I have serious emotional issues. Nobody can ever tell because I always hide behind this cheerful, happy-go-lucky and/or don't-give-a-fuck facade of mine (sometimes).

I feel so messed up, I don't even know where to begin. It's this whole wave of emotions and I don't know where to start. Maybe I should be spontaneous and write whatever that comes to mind, because wouldn't that really show your true self? You being spontaneous, your most honest side. If the following don't link at all, don't fret. Maybe they are not meant to link; maybe they are not meant to be understood by other people; maybe they are only meant to be understood by me. And maybe that is my intention, for everything to be understood only by me, but secretly, I hoped that someone will actually understand everything, understand me.

Such irony.

Sometimes, I really don't want to care about anything that involves feeling and feelings. Both the verb and the noun are horrible. They involves crashing, mentally and physically. The two are always connected, according to scientific studies. I think I would be much happier if I didn't feel so much and not have so much feelings.

I tried not to have any feelings. I tried to harden myself but I always fail. I cry at the littlest thing that affects me. My heart string immediately tugs whenever I think about something or someone.

I really did try to avoid all feelings. But as the saying goes, things have a way of coming around to haunt you. I learnt my lesson but I haven't applied that knowledge. I keep going back to my old ways. I kept telling myself I won't do it, that everything between us was over and we were going to be normal even when we hang out.

Clearly, I never think straight.

It happens every single time. I'm always used, over and over again. I'm always the second option. I'm always the one to find when loneliness strikes.

Sometimes, I felt that there are feelings. I hardened myself, I ignored those feelings. I was good at it until I remember about those feelings. Then everything comes crashing down. Turns out, the truth was that I felt much more than I thought I could.

It didn't matter. We didn't matter. We love different people, and at the same time, we can't keep away from each. I love another guy (D), and he likes another girl. But yet, we can bear touching each other. Sometimes, I do get guilty. Because I felt that I have betrayed my feelings. Not to say that D and I were ever going to be more than friends, but I treasure those feelings, a hell lot...

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate myself for liking it. I want it to stop, but I dread the day when it stops.

Why did this person appear in my life?

Falling

The worst feeling is not to be judged by people; it is to be judged by those you like and love.

She is a vulnerable girl. She has been hurt so many times. She falls for people easily; she easily gets attached even though she tries to keep a distance. When someone gets close, she accepts them quickly, even without realizing it. When the person is gone, she realized that sense of attachment.

She cries.

She cries a lot.

She is forgettable. She is judged easily and quickly, because she has a war in her mind. She’s not always negative, but when she is, she scares people. Maybe that is why people always leave her. She’s not a good person, but who in the world is truly good?

She misses him.

She misses him a lot.

She thought he was different; she thought he will be a good friend. She thought maybe there can be a ‘they’, an ‘us’. She trusted him with her mind. She trusted him with her negativity. He rejected both her mind and her negativity. He rejected ‘her’. He forgot about the agreement. He forgot about her.

She misses him.

She misses him a lot.

She misses him very much.

He let her fall; he didn’t have any intentions of catching her.

He let her fall.

Insecurities

She was a girl who was never enough. Not pretty enough, not smart enough, not nice enough. She wanted everything, but didn't have anything. She wanted people to see the beauty in her, but she didn't have any beauty to begin with. Her mind floats around as her legs walk, but herself, not moving. Her mind, her world is stuck in one place; she runs into it to hide. She tries to put her sadness and her insecurities into words, but they only came out wrong. She wasn't understood; no one can understand her. She was told the world has much more serious problems to deal with: hunger, wars, injustice, corruption, et cetera. She looked back into her mind, saw all those problems, and kept quiet. She didn't have any help. They told her she didn't need any help. She hides in a tiny hut, cuddles herself and watches as her world falls apart, her mind falling into ruins. Nobody helped; she didn't help.

She just watched.

Inspiration

Life needs inspiration. Inspiration is one of the most important things to drive us to do what we're doing. On some days, those inspiration can't be found, but on other days, it can.

And that inspiration is prompting me to start blogging. I like writing; novels, articles, pieces, thoughts, anything. But I can never get anything done or finished. A friend once told me that inspiration is important in completing anything in life. Seems like he has got more inspiration than me despite his denial.

But I'm getting way ahead of myself. The fact that I started to write in this blog shows an inspiration of some sort.

No one needs to know who I am. No one needs to know what I am referring to in this virtual outlet. It's spontaneous writing.

Yup, here is my own space and my own virtual outlet.

I'm happy. For the time being.

and I want to play hide-and-seek and give you my clothes and tell you I like your shoes and sit on the steps while you take a bath and massage your neck and kiss your feet and hold your hand and go for a meal and not mind when you eat my food and meet you at Rudy's and talk about the day and type up your letters and carry your boxes and laugh at your paranoia and give you tapes you don't listen to and watch great films and watch terrible films and complain about the radio and take pictures of you when you're sleeping and get up to fetch you coffee and bagels and Danish and go to Florent and drink coffee at midnight and have you steal my cigarettes and never be able to find a match and tell you about the tv programme I saw the night I saw the night before and take you to the eye hospital and not laugh at your joks and want you in the morning but let you sleep in for a while and kiss your back and stroke your skin and tell you how much I love your hair your eyes your lips your neck your breasts your arse your
and sit on the steps smoking till your neighbour comes home and sit on the steps smoking till you come home and worry when you're late and be amazed when you're early and give you sunflowers and go to your party and dance till I'm black and be sorry when I'm wrong and happy when you forgive me and look at your photos and wish I'd known you forever and hear your voice in my ear and feel your skin on my skin and get scared when you're angry and your eye has gone red and the other eye blue and your hair to the left and your face oriental and tell you you're gorgeous and hug you when you're anxious and hold you when you're hurt and want you when I smell you and offend you when I touch you and whimper when I'm next to you and whimper when I'm not and dribble on your breast and smother you in the night and get cold when you take the blanket and hot when you don't and melt when you smile and dissolve when you laugh and not understand why you think I'm rejecting you when I'm not rejecting you and wonder how you could think I'd ever reject you and wonder who you are but accept you anyway and tell you about the tree angel the enchanted forest boy who flew across the ocean because he loved you and write poems for you and wonder why you don't believe me and have a feeling so deep I can't find words for it and want to buy you a kitten I'd get jealous of because it would get more attention than me and keep you in bed when you have to go and cry like a baby when you finally do and get rid of the roaches and buy you presents you don't want and take them away again and ask you to marry me and you say no again but keep on asking because though you think I don't mean it I do always have from the first time I asked you and wander the city thinking it's empty without you and want what you want and think I'm losing myself but know I'm safe with you and tell you the worst of me and try to give you the best of me because you don't deserve any less and answer your question when I'd rather not and tell you the truth when I really don't want and try to be honest because I know you prefer it and think it's all over but hang on for just ten more minutes before you throw me our of your life and forget who I am and try to get closer to you because it's beautiful learning to know you and well worth the effort and speak German to you badly and Hebrew to you worse and make love to you at three in the morning and somehow somehow somehow communicate some of the overwhelming undying overpowering unconditional all-encompassing heart-enriching mind-expanding on-going never-ending love I have for you

- Crave (Sarah Kane)

I really don't know how some people can read this and laugh like it's a joke.